a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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