Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dignity is for republicans.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
