Someone shit on the floor
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
