just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
