I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
