Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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