he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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