i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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