dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
