No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
