I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
