You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
