I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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