So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
