shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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