my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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