Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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