Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
