Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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