the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
