he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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