I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
