Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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