My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i've created a new STD.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
