id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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