I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
