Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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