there's paper in my vomit.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
