you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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