That's intense
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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