You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
