Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
