I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
