I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
