You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
