Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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