The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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