When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
