when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.