The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.