my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
