Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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