I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
