i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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