my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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