I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
