'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
