Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
