Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
