well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
