I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh god it's open bar.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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