the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
