So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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