i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
