Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.