I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
sarcasm needs its own font
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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