I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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