Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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